Posts Tagged ‘ Pain ’

Pain Blinders

If for you

To make my case

Uprooted myself

Moved across states

Would my intentions be clear to see?

If I actually provided us a home

Was present as a whole

Accepted your child as my own

Would you still be blind to me?

Would you just be questioning to question me?

Would you be faithless to the faithful?

Not recognize

Seem ungrateful

Say things

Distasteful

Because you’re plagued full

Of past relationships pain

Toxic & hateful

That fell apart at the seams

Or would you be able to see

Me for me

None of what you went through

Has anything to do with me

Be able to trust and believe

In the plan developed for us to seize

And know

I’m just here to love on you

Love on her

Teach her things

And help raise our daughter

To a queen

Holiday Cheer

The time of year
For Holiday Cheer
Was stolen from me
For several long years

To 2018
From 2003
It took me that long
To buy one Christmas Tree

Bah Humbug!

Closed off like I was Scrooge
Avoided family and peers
Felt like I was robbed
Like The Grinch had been near

September 17th, 2003
My Grandmother
Said her last “Happy Birthday”
To me

I could tell she was in pain
It was hard for her to talk
She struggled to say my name
My mom was helping her to walk

Sweetest Day was October 18th
That’s the day she passed away
I ceased to celebrate…
Holidays became

My bereavement days

Next it was Thanksgiving, y’all
Now, Granny was from the south
Yeah, I still had food and all
But nothing tasted the same in my mouth
Not at all

Christmas came and it was devastating
I sat crying in the corner
Listening to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” by The Temptations
On her record player
We’d ritually start Christmas morning with that song
The tradition started before I was born
It was my deceased uncle’s favorite rendition
It just wasn’t the same since she wasn’t there
Nothing felt the same
I wasn’t happy giving or receiving gifts
I guess it was because I knew
Next month on January 9th,
It would be her birthday
Another day I wouldn’t be able to celebrate with her
Like I had done my entire life

Fast forward to December 2018
My girlfriend and daughter, Miyah are living with me
I was reluctant to go shopping
But the sparkle in Miyah’s eyes
Reminded me of a time
Where the worries of the world weren’t a worry for me
They didn’t weigh on my heart previously
And they didn’t weigh on hers now
She wanted a Christmas Tree…
And an iPhone
And a ring light
And a TV
Should I go on?

Fittingly enough,

Around the same time I was visited by a spirit

A Ghost of Christmas Past

With a familiar voice
My Granny said:
“Everything is going to be alright and everything is gon be how it’s gon be”
In her Southern-country / Midwestern accent
First time in a long time
I’ve heard her voice
Without trying to access a memory

Christmas Day comes
My girlfriend and I set it so that
Miyah’s last gift to open
Would be her iPhone
We concealed it in an instant oatmeal box
So that when she opened it
There would be a level of suspense
Once she got through all of the tape
And realized that she got an iPhone XR
Her pure excitement sent a jolt of emotion through me
That had been foreign to me for years

I felt every good feeling that I used to have before my granny died that was associated with the holidays.
It was like a weight had been lifted

It was the return of my Holiday Cheer

Miyah

“It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas (the thought) means a little bit more.” –The Grinch (Jim Carrey), How the Grinch Stole Christmas

AILMENT

Thoughts of you are so painful to me

They are causing debilitating headaches

And my nose to bleed

As if I had suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury

From not wearing a seatbelt and experiencing the force felt

Of being in a collision with

A Detroit city bus (16 Dexter)

You are like this discomforting feeling…

A misplaced vertebrae in my spine

Constantly reminding me

Is the pain that is shot from my behind

Into the core of my mind

Framed to be somethin’ I ain’t no more

Physically,

No longer am I inclined

To dunk from the dotted arc

Or shoot from 3 point lines…

Before you grabbed ahold of me

I used to be able to leap into new heights

Fly high like childhood kites at the beach

Bitch!

Why you tryin’ to ground me!?

Pulling me down

Puppeting me around

Tugging at my strings

You’re inhibiting me

Like a lingering ACL injury

Leaving me wondering

Will I ever be what I used to be

Cutting into me painfully

Like reconstructive surgery

Succeeded in damaging the last of the vast nerves in me

Recently it has occurred to me

You are nothing but an ailment

I’ve got to let you go

This shit is hurting me