Posts Tagged ‘ Grief ’

Holiday Cheer

The time of year
For Holiday Cheer
Was stolen from me
For several long years

To 2018
From 2003
It took me that long
To buy one Christmas Tree

Bah Humbug!

Closed off like I was Scrooge
Avoided family and peers
Felt like I was robbed
Like The Grinch had been near

September 17th, 2003
My Grandmother
Said her last “Happy Birthday”
To me

I could tell she was in pain
It was hard for her to talk
She struggled to say my name
My mom was helping her to walk

Sweetest Day was October 18th
That’s the day she passed away
I ceased to celebrate…
Holidays became

My bereavement days

Next it was Thanksgiving, y’all
Now, Granny was from the south
Yeah, I still had food and all
But nothing tasted the same in my mouth
Not at all

Christmas came and it was devastating
I sat crying in the corner
Listening to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” by The Temptations
On her record player
We’d ritually start Christmas morning with that song
The tradition started before I was born
It was my deceased uncle’s favorite rendition
It just wasn’t the same since she wasn’t there
Nothing felt the same
I wasn’t happy giving or receiving gifts
I guess it was because I knew
Next month on January 9th,
It would be her birthday
Another day I wouldn’t be able to celebrate with her
Like I had done my entire life

Fast forward to December 2018
My girlfriend and daughter, Miyah are living with me
I was reluctant to go shopping
But the sparkle in Miyah’s eyes
Reminded me of a time
Where the worries of the world weren’t a worry for me
They didn’t weigh on my heart previously
And they didn’t weigh on hers now
She wanted a Christmas Tree…
And an iPhone
And a ring light
And a TV
Should I go on?

Fittingly enough,

Around the same time I was visited by a spirit

A Ghost of Christmas Past

With a familiar voice
My Granny said:
“Everything is going to be alright and everything is gon be how it’s gon be”
In her Southern-country / Midwestern accent
First time in a long time
I’ve heard her voice
Without trying to access a memory

Christmas Day comes
My girlfriend and I set it so that
Miyah’s last gift to open
Would be her iPhone
We concealed it in an instant oatmeal box
So that when she opened it
There would be a level of suspense
Once she got through all of the tape
And realized that she got an iPhone XR
Her pure excitement sent a jolt of emotion through me
That had been foreign to me for years

I felt every good feeling that I used to have before my granny died that was associated with the holidays.
It was like a weight had been lifted

It was the return of my Holiday Cheer

Miyah

“It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas (the thought) means a little bit more.” –The Grinch (Jim Carrey), How the Grinch Stole Christmas

DEATH IN THE FAMILY

She was

One of my kids

Just like you

 

Her name was

Isabella

I always called her Izzy

She was one of the 2 little girls

Sisters

That I would bring to practice

At Burton

When they were in my care

I’d take them to the other side

You know…

Across from the gym

So that someone in the afterschool program

Could braid their hair

I obviously had no clue on how to do that

Last night,

October 29

Izzy committed suicide

She wasn’t biologically mine

But still,

She was mine

Just like you

I don’t know if I had been more active in her life

If I had done more

If it would have made a difference or not

I do know that I am out of time

If only I told her

What she meant to me…

Sometimes having knowledge

Of a person’s true feelings

Or actually having it verbalized

Goes a long way

I won’t make that mistake with you

Our relationship is a two-way street

It always has been

I have affected you

You have affected me

Family is more than just a bloodline

I may have been a role model

Or even a second dad to you

You have been first children of mine

And reasons to become a better person

Having children teaches love in a way

That can’t be taught otherwise

It has been an honor to be in your lives

And hold the position

In your hearts and minds that I have held

Seeing you grow into the adults that you are now

Has been the best movie I have ever experienced

I’m looking forward to the sequels

I love you

I believe in you

I always will

If I think you are wrong about something,

I’m still going to tell you about it

And I’m going to use that tone

Adjusted for the fact that you’re now over 18

If you ever need to talk

I am here

I wish I could have done more for your sister

She would have been 19 on November 29th

Izzy was one of my kids

Just like you