Pain Blinders

If for you

To make my case

Uprooted myself

Moved across states

Would my intentions be clear to see?

If I actually provided us a home

Was present as a whole

Accepted your child as my own

Would you still be blind to me?

Would you just be questioning to question me?

Would you be faithless to the faithful?

Not recognize

Seem ungrateful

Say things

Distasteful

Because you’re plagued full

Of past relationships pain

Toxic & hateful

That fell apart at the seams

Or would you be able to see

Me for me

None of what you went through

Has anything to do with me

Be able to trust and believe

In the plan developed for us to seize

And know

I’m just here to love on you

Love on her

Teach her things

And help raise our daughter

To a queen

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Holiday Cheer

The time of year
For Holiday Cheer
Was stolen from me
For several long years

To 2018
From 2003
It took me that long
To buy one Christmas Tree

Bah Humbug!

Closed off like I was Scrooge
Avoided family and peers
Felt like I was robbed
Like The Grinch had been near

September 17th, 2003
My Grandmother
Said her last “Happy Birthday”
To me

I could tell she was in pain
It was hard for her to talk
She struggled to say my name
My mom was helping her to walk

Sweetest Day was October 18th
That’s the day she passed away
I ceased to celebrate…
Holidays became

My bereavement days

Next it was Thanksgiving, y’all
Now, Granny was from the south
Yeah, I still had food and all
But nothing tasted the same in my mouth
Not at all

Christmas came and it was devastating
I sat crying in the corner
Listening to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” by The Temptations
On her record player
We’d ritually start Christmas morning with that song
The tradition started before I was born
It was my deceased uncle’s favorite rendition
It just wasn’t the same since she wasn’t there
Nothing felt the same
I wasn’t happy giving or receiving gifts
I guess it was because I knew
Next month on January 9th,
It would be her birthday
Another day I wouldn’t be able to celebrate with her
Like I had done my entire life

Fast forward to December 2018
My girlfriend and daughter, Miyah are living with me
I was reluctant to go shopping
But the sparkle in Miyah’s eyes
Reminded me of a time
Where the worries of the world weren’t a worry for me
They didn’t weigh on my heart previously
And they didn’t weigh on hers now
She wanted a Christmas Tree…
And an iPhone
And a ring light
And a TV
Should I go on?

Fittingly enough,

Around the same time I was visited by a spirit

A Ghost of Christmas Past

With a familiar voice
My Granny said:
“Everything is going to be alright and everything is gon be how it’s gon be”
In her Southern-country / Midwestern accent
First time in a long time
I’ve heard her voice
Without trying to access a memory

Christmas Day comes
My girlfriend and I set it so that
Miyah’s last gift to open
Would be her iPhone
We concealed it in an instant oatmeal box
So that when she opened it
There would be a level of suspense
Once she got through all of the tape
And realized that she got an iPhone XR
Her pure excitement sent a jolt of emotion through me
That had been foreign to me for years

I felt every good feeling that I used to have before my granny died that was associated with the holidays.
It was like a weight had been lifted

It was the return of my Holiday Cheer

Miyah

“It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas (the thought) means a little bit more.” –The Grinch (Jim Carrey), How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Lie To Me (Some Can’t Handle the Truth)

Lie to me
Tell me you love me
Don’t have to mean it
Lie to me
Paint me a picture
Because I need it
Lie to me
Tell me a tale
While sleep
I’ma dream it
Lie to me
I’m weak
Don’t want to see it
Lie to me
When I wake
I need to believe it

Lie to me

Please protect me from my weakness

Lie to me

30th

Today in 1987 the world changed forever… A beautiful spirit was infused with flesh and blood and born into this world as a little girl.  Everyone isn’t gifted with a beautiful spirit and everyone isn’t born with the same capacity to love like she was. That’s one of the things that makes her birth so special…so powerful. A birth like hers changes the lives of those that she encounters causing a Butterfly Effect of positivity. God is Love and the light she carries inside of her is His torch. Over the years, she grew and grew all while carrying this torch of His, making it hers, and lighting paths with this great power where there were mostly shadows. Most could see her light but as she grew older some couldn’t handle the glare. You see, a person like this wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s sensitive and she’s vulnerable. There are some that would take advantage of this and her kindness. But through it all, her light still would shine. Time moved on and she proved worthy of creating a miracle. She birthed another beautiful spirit that was infused in flesh and blood and born into the world as a little girl. She instilled the same principles or love and kindness in her daughter. Her daughter now carries the same flame that she has carried for all of these years and lights paths where she encounters shadows. They now do it together. They are the most beautiful combination I have ever seen. I am lucky enough to call them both mine. So today, on her 30th, I want to wish my Butterfly a Happy Birthday and say thank you for being the special person, mother, friend, lover and light that you are.

DEATH IN THE FAMILY

She was

One of my kids

Just like you

 

Her name was

Isabella

I always called her Izzy

She was one of the 2 little girls

Sisters

That I would bring to practice

At Burton

When they were in my care

I’d take them to the other side

You know…

Across from the gym

So that someone in the afterschool program

Could braid their hair

I obviously had no clue on how to do that

Last night,

October 29

Izzy committed suicide

She wasn’t biologically mine

But still,

She was mine

Just like you

I don’t know if I had been more active in her life

If I had done more

If it would have made a difference or not

I do know that I am out of time

If only I told her

What she meant to me…

Sometimes having knowledge

Of a person’s true feelings

Or actually having it verbalized

Goes a long way

I won’t make that mistake with you

Our relationship is a two-way street

It always has been

I have affected you

You have affected me

Family is more than just a bloodline

I may have been a role model

Or even a second dad to you

You have been first children of mine

And reasons to become a better person

Having children teaches love in a way

That can’t be taught otherwise

It has been an honor to be in your lives

And hold the position

In your hearts and minds that I have held

Seeing you grow into the adults that you are now

Has been the best movie I have ever experienced

I’m looking forward to the sequels

I love you

I believe in you

I always will

If I think you are wrong about something,

I’m still going to tell you about it

And I’m going to use that tone

Adjusted for the fact that you’re now over 18

If you ever need to talk

I am here

I wish I could have done more for your sister

She would have been 19 on November 29th

Izzy was one of my kids

Just like you

Note For Lil Jaida

Your beauty is far from a curse

It’s something like a love song

Or a well written verse

Of a specially written love poem

It’s not for every man to understand

It’s not one dimensional

It’s multi

Something that truly can only be seen

When someone focuses their third eye

It can be used as a litmus test…

Failure to realize

Carries consequences of being characterized

Like the rest

That were only able to see you

As a simple physical conquest

I am a writer

At least that’s one of the things I do

Writers paint pictures with words

And I choose all of mine carefully

Like the strokes with paintbrushes artists use

If I was only talking about how you look

I’d say, “you LOOK beautiful”

When I put ‘you are’ in front of the word

BEAUTIFUL

I’m thinking of all the qualities I’ve noticed so far

I am talking about all of you

 

Beautiful in a sense that the mere definition of beauty found in dictionaries across the land are a discredit to your true essence. There is no encyclopedic or Wikipedia reference that would be an equivalence to your grandeur. You are so beautiful that you make me want to pick up my pad and my pen and let them get reacquainted so that their offspring can grace the world reincarnated speaking of your excellence. You are not only visually beautiful, you are so much more than that. Your voice is beautiful. Your smile is beautiful. Your smirk is beautiful. Your style is beautiful. Your heart and the depth of the love that I perceive it to have is beautiful. How you think is beautiful (I don’t think there is anything more attractive than an intelligent lady). Your class is beautiful. Your strength is beautiful. I could go on and on and on…

DM

This is probably not what you expect from a man

The first time that you see him

Not saying it’s the best song in the world

But I’m happy for us that

It went down in the DM (…it goes down)

You asked what with you makes it different

I should have just replied everything

You just might be the type of lady that will

Make a man rethink and reconsider everything

What makes this different?

I feel it right here (3 taps to chest)

When we talk, text or snap

I feel it right here (3 taps to chest)

When I think of the quantities of qualities

When without me asking

You sang for me

I felt it right here (points to chest)

Since I feel it right here (points to chest)

It means I feel you right here (points to head)

First impressions are important

I know this is different and an interesting way

To get a date started

But I was as serious as an attack on the heart to stop it

When I said

I’m trying to pull you off the market

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